Canada
FOR THE WIN EH Please note, eh? Canada closes every July 1st to celebrate Canada Day-eh. ::"'Ey Nickeel, how 'bout we have a seat on my chesterfield and watch some hockey, eh? We can smoke pot and eat poutine afterwards, don'cha know. Oh, you need a serviette... there, Bob's your uncle." :::—The Average Canadian Canada, AKA Greenland's Denmark, is none of your business. It is a dangerous country full of bears and French-Canadians. As you read this, a wall is being built along the American/Canadian border, this is to prevent illegal immigrants, cold air, and bears from entering Jesusland (America). Former East German wall guards will shoot any whining Americans or West Germans who keep whining about it. History Canada was founded not too long ago by a beaver, a moose, and a duck. The duck became Canada's first president, and now appears on their stupid little one dollar coin. Legacy has it that the duck claimed to be more valuable than America's paper money, and was subsequently deemed crazy and called a Loonie. In canada it is almost legal to smoke pot, but illegal to make fun of Rush, eh. Also Canada rocks. National Psychology While thought to be a peaceable country, Canada is actually an inwardly seething nation quietly planning an appropriate means of seizing world domination. There's only so many "eh", "igloo" and "hoser" jokes one can take. Plus, the weather sucks in Canada, and that's bound to make for some bad days. International Plans Using their bountiful supply of bears, beavers, and angry hockey players, their plan is to sneak upon the nation of Libya in the middle of the night and subsequently claim ownership. Once claimed, Libya will be renamed "Turkey" (Jeremy Hotz) and Sloan music videos will be played 24/7. If the weather's nice there, the Canadians may decide to stay in Turkey while thawing their frostbite before moving on to Russia (aka - Hortonville) in order to get the full hot cold Finnish sauna experience. Also, if Russia won't take Alaska, Canada will. Geography Canada is also extremely big, having a total area of 19,978,647,125 square miles (or 6,785,920,322,763 hectares). And unlike the U.S.A, Canada is divided into provinces and territories rather than states, making it not only dangerously enormous. Such provinces include Manitoba, known for its alarming number of bears and liberal French-Canadians who hate America and want to "impeach the president" replacing him with tree-hugging, commie-fascist Neil Young. Alberta See main article: Alberta This province lies in between British Columbia and Saskatchewan, as Alberta has always been forced to be the mediator for these two provinces, British Columbia and Saskatchewan have never gotten along and are always fighting over who gets the window seat on long car trips. British Columbia See main article: British Columbia This is where the grass is truly greener on the other side, the home of Mark Emery, hiding out from the United States' extradition charges for being too laid back, man. He is the prime minister of British Columbia and is on the US Most wanted list ranked at No.420. Manitoba See main article: Manitoba Manitoba's bear situation has killed more Canadians in recent decades marking this province a 'no-tent' zone for campers and portagers alike. The STD and murder capital of Canada, people heading via bus are warned not to stop in the province's capital of Winnipeg, where they are sure to be beheaded upon entry. Saskatchewan See main article: Saskatchewan Capital of Saskatchewan is Regina... Saskatchewan. Nova Scotia See main article: Nova Scotia A small mish-mash of rocks in the Maritimes, Nova Scotia is the most ambiguous of Canada's provinces, with more kids eating lobster for school lunch than lunchables, on account that all parents of said children are poor fisherman incapable of making anything outside of '1001 Delicious Lobster Dishes'. Nova Scotia is well known for the legal drinking age being two years old because they believe you have to have good enough motor skills to hold a bottle. Even though America believes that nova scotia is a laugh they are stubborn that they are unaware of the fact that the phone was just one of the greatest discoveries made in N.S. There is also the Halifax Harbour which is well known for the greatest explosion that led to the creation of the A-Bomb New Brunswick See main article: New Brunswick It's so new, try the fish! New Brunswick makes Old Brunswick look like just another Red Lobster. Mainers make New Brunswickian people look like Rhode Scholars. Newfoundland (and Labrador) See main article: Newfoundland and Labrador The very first colony ever, New-Found-Land (as in, we found it, we found it! It's ours!) had a healthy population living there for several thousand years before the first viking stomped his smelly feet all over it. Notwithstanding, they weren't US. So we killed as many of them as we could, even though they gave us medicine to keep us from dying of scurvy. Newfoundland formed the legal precedent for claiming land that wasn't yours, and that other people are already living on, as your own when you arrive (and in the case of Spain, claiming an entire continent) And in the case of the spectacularly unsuccessful French, the claiming of French Guayana. As for Labrador, that's where dogs were retrieved from. Northwest Territories See main article: Northwest Territories This territory was so big, crowded and over-populated that they had to cut the territory in half to give the Inuit and Eskimo their own space to lounge by Lake Huron and get better seats for the Northern Lights. No one noticed and no one visits the Northwest Territories to this day. Nunavut See main article: Nunavut Territories ]] Canada is so large that at one time it actually divided one of its provinces, the Northwest Territories into two pieces, giving the cold part over to the Inuit named as the new territory, Nunavut. It is so cold in Nunavut that it won the prize as "Unlucky Province And/Or Territory Number 13" Award, as it is the 13th out of Canada's 10 provinces and 3 territories. It is decided that if Global Warming should ever exceed its 1 degree and melt the ice caps in the Arctic, that real estate corporations should quickly set up shop in Nunavut and claim a new territory of Floradana, Canada's 14th territory of wading pools and tamed polar bears. Many Canadians living in Nunavut spend a lot of time trying to find Someofut, and on ambitious days, all the Restofut. Ontario See main article: Ontario Ontario is the financial hub of Europe, with the capital not being Ottawa, but its more Eurocosmopolitan, sexy account of a brother, Toronto. There are more than 1 million people living in Toronto. This small town of 30 years is run by one of the greatest Mayors of all time, Mayor Hazel McCallion. Undefeated since the city's inception in 1979. Recently her bicycle was hit by a truck, a car, a Humvee and a suspicious looking Brinks truck heading South, and came in to work the following day. Prince Edward Island (PEI) See main article: Prince Edward Island Anne of Green Gables Lived here, the rumored Canadian arch-nemesis twin to Lindsay Lohan. Prince Edward Island is home of the PEI Potato, one of the worst potatoes to ever try cooking, baking, frying or mashing. It's like snot in a skin bag. Quebec See main article: Quebec The French capital of Canada. At one point the entire province of Quebec wanted to separate, but as it has the largest landmass of all the provinces, Ontario was unsuccessful in mating with it. Many well-paved roads also contain many suspicious looking Brinks trucks heading South. Quebecers didn't care much for Ontario and wanted to build a large diaphram around the entire province. The Maritime Provinces were so done with this argument that they threatened to fill the condomed-in area and turn Quebec into a water park. Quebec ceased all actions and the '68 battle of Splash Kingdom was averted. Yukon Territories See main article: Yukon Territories Feared that it may separate to Alaska on the Referendum of '96, the Yukon Territories is Canada's most feared cold-place, with ex-patriots leaving at an alarming rate of 4 a year. That's not saying much, but the Yukon is ranked 12th out of 13 in terms of population. Politics :See: Canadian government Canada is a kingdom, with Queen Elizabeth II born into her position head of state. Royal dynasties are obviously undemocratic and bad. The sole exception is the Bush family, of course. Because the dry winter air in Canada gives the Queen chapped lips, she lives in the United Kingdom instead. She appoints a lackey in her place, called the Governor General, to keep things in line while she's out. The Governor General is essentially the Grand Canadian Babysitter. Canadians elect commoners to the House of Commons - the Canadian immitation of Congress. The Governor General, unlike the President of the Untied States, can't make decisions on her own, and so has to have ministers tell her what to do. She chooses these ministers from the elected House of Commons, and her main guy is called the Prime Minister, though she really can't choose anyone other than who the House of Commons will support; the Prime Minister actually has to respond in the House to questions about his policies and actions! Jean Chrétien was Prime Minister of Canada for a really long time. The highlights of her career were when she choked... what? Oh, "Jean" is a guy! Uh, okay, when he choked a reporter and when he had a pie thrown in his face with the words "Pie Minister" written on it. Half of his face is paralyzed, which made for hilarious impressions of him on CBC's two political skit comedy shows, 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' and 'Royal Canadian Air Farce'. Canadians are ruthlessly insensitive to people with disabilities. Chrétien is also credited with popularizing the language 'Frenglish'' (a combination of French and English incomprehensible to anyone of either tongue.)'' Soon however, Canadians were exposed to the wonder that is Stephen Colbert, and elected to a majority a more America-loving party: the Conservatives under party leader Stephen Harper, who, because of the stupid, convoluted Canadian system, became Prime Minister. Canada has updated democracy On Dec. 31, 2009, in the grey and waning days of the first decade of the New Millenium, Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of the little cold country north of the US, took democracy a giant step forward. (By the way, to all you Americans, yes, there IS something north of your border, besides Alaska....it's us! Surprised? So were we.) How did Mr. Harper advance the cause of democracy you might ask? Well...makes a good bedtime story for all the little voters in democracies around the world. So gather around the fireplace, pull up a chair and read. In Canada, thanks to our British ancestors and their silly desire to have some sort of right to stop kings from doing whatever they wanted, we used to have what we like to call "Parliament". This fancy word just means a place where we parler to each other (don't forget, by mistake we let the French speakers stay on in Canada and boy are we sorry now). Basically every Canadian of voting age, even if we aren't white or middle-class or male, has the right to elect someone to represent us and talk for us in this so-called "Parliament" or place where Canadians get to help run our government. However, turns out (boy were we surprised again) democracy lets all sorts of people say all sorts of things about our divine leader. That isn't helpful in running a country efficiently, as we have discovered over the past few years. So our leader, quite rightly, has decided to make sure that these so-called 'MPs' (who claim to represent us) can't get into the Parliament for at least three months. This will stop them from saying nasty things about our divine leader and his followers. These "MPs" (to use the term they use for themselves) have some silly idea that our troops might be turning prisoners in Afghanistan over to be tortured. Now everyone knows that ALL Afghanis are terrorists or Taliban or maybe even devils on earth who should have no human rights. Even if they say they are simple farmers, they can't be can they? Because otherwise our soldiers wouldn't have arrested them. Since the soldiers are just doing what they were told to do by the government of Canada (his name is Stephen Harper) we all know it is NOT THEIR FAULT if they make a mistake. But, just suppose they DID make a mistake (highly unlikely, but let's pretend it could happen) then whose fault would it be? Well, yeah. It would be he who shall not be named in Parliament But if we talk about this in the talking place (Parliament) it might make it harder to keep the trains running on time. It would slow things down. It might make us question what our glorious leader is doing. We can't have that can we? So our leader, quite rightly, has decided to make sure that these so-called 'MPs' (who claim to represent us) can't get into the Parliament for at least three months. This will stop them from saying nasty things about our divine leader and his followers. This is a huge step forward for democracy in Canada and one we fully expect other leaders of democracies to learn from. You might ask 'what good does only 3 months do?' Those 'MPs' will just come back and ask more questions. Maybe...but maybe they've learned their lesson about not asking questions. If not, well....maybe they'll learn it if they are locked out for 6 months. Or 9 months. Whatever it takes to establish Stevie's democracy in Canada. Once and for all. Culture Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada is home to the hardcore punk band, DOA. DOA are very unamerican. They have a song called 'Fucked Up Reagan' and an alternate version called 'Fucked Up Bush', along with many anti-war and anti-industrialism songs, not to mention, they're not from America. They also have a song called 'America the Beautiful' which includes these lyrics: Lock your doors, lock it tight It's the new immoral right They wanna cleanse the home of the brave For the mutant ninja race of the USA" This group alone warrants an immediate invasion of Canada. But one reason not to invade Canada (and annex it to North Dakota, which could use the extra people)is because the Canadians make some decent beer like Moleson's and LeBratt's, and they might stop if they get pissed off. Lastly, Canada, French or English? Pick a side, we're at war! They need to speak American like the rest of the world does. Crimes Against Humanity *Being overly polite such as saying "sorry" far too much *Pretending that they have more land then us *Thinking they invaded the United States during the War of 1812. The Canadians (not the French) thought they burned down half of the White House, which subsequently had to be repainted. In reality, they accidentally invaded the north pole, set fire to an igloo and stepped on a penguin.(Nice cover, way to save face) *Housing and providing sanctuary to many bears including the vile polar grizzly. Like Lebanon, Canada serves as a safe haven from which Bears, like Hezbollah, can attack at will into America and wreak havoc on our northern states, such as Washington, Idaho, and North Dakota. Bears are allowed to roam freely on the streets of Canadian cities, and the town of Victoria, British Colombia has even erected monuments to these "Bearorists." *Playing home to French-Canadians, Nickelback, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, and half of Keanu Reeves *Having "Free" health care. Seemingly to actually provide and care for their citizens, easing the financial concerns that could burden families and individuals at unforeseen times of medical troubles and improving their quality of life and peace of mind. Thusly, providing the same level of timely, addequate healthcare as the united states, yet robbing their poor citizens the pride of self-suffiency that comes from paying out-of-pocket and arguing with their insurance companies (sneaky Canadians) *Having a PM (Prime Minister) named Jean Chretien *Inventing curling (oh, wait, sorry, that was Scotland) *Sending humanitarian aid to New Orleans after hurricane Katrina sooner than the US because they have nothing better to do. *Not forcing Robbie Robertson to go home, against the wishes of the UN. *Compressing the USA down into a less magnificent size with the gigantic weight of their ice and politeness, all to claim that THEY are the second largest country in the world. Bastards. *Howie Mandel *Not supporting American troops....because they are draft dodgers and bear petters. *Banning all guns, in favor of hockey sticks... and cameras *Measuring temperature in Celsius, instead of the American way, Fahrenheit! *Spawning such heartless killing the machines as the bear, Celine Dion, Curling, and the claim that ham is their own bacon. *Introducing the world to the backwards talk of the hated French-Canadians, who originally coined the word "les biens", referring to their many happy sisters *Inferior (and possibly deadly) Xanax. *Saying "eh" after everything which is also used to talk to bears *Having a drinking age of 19 (18 in some provinces) and making Americans drunk *Legalizing weed and subsequently making Americas fat because they all have the munchies. *refusal to properly pronounce about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8QThs6WL7M&feature=related *Trying to make whores look humane Activism Help make Canada more like the U.S. by lending your support to the following plans of the Conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. *Extend the Mission in Afghanistan Until the Taliban-Supported Drug Lords surrender *Occupy Vancouver DO NOT ENTER Vancouver (especially if you have more than a penny CDN (1.02 pennies US on you.) The bong fumes from those filthy hippie Chinese-loving snowboarders are highly toxic. Invest in bio-hazard suits. *Oppose the new Clean Air Bill. (50% Reduction of emission by 2050? Not Possible!) *Expand the Annual Seal Hunt to include French Canadians *Expand the Annual French Canadian Hunt to include Nova Scotians *Cutting public school funding, so children never learn the "metric" system *Cut funding to womens programs and remove the word "equality" from any document proclaiming the goals of womens movements. *Continue to criminalize marijuana to keep that dirty tax money out of government coffers and in the crimeloards hands where it belongs. It also helps to keep our prison staff employed. *Cut taxes for the rich, raise them for the poor, and then lower the poverty line. You end up with less tax on voters, more tax on non voters, and fewer poor people. Its win-win-win. *Help Real AmericansTM invade Canada. Canada's Phone Number: 1-800-O-CANADA (1-800-622-6232) Call them and pull the following prank call: YOU: Your cat is on my fence. CANADA: I don't have a cat. YOU: Well, I don't have a fence. Then hang up. Let's get the entire nation prank calling Canada until it gets a cat! Tourism Nobody actually goes to Canada. Why would you want to leave America to visit America Junior? Military and lesbians]] What military? They only have mounties!!! Everyone knows that Canada's army sucks... and if Fox News says that Canada's army sucks, then is the truthiness! Canada has no army... moving on... Canada's Economy Besides selling drugs and pills to our senior citizens welfare queens, Canada has hardly contributed to the World's and America's economy... softwood lumber? Who wants that?? Conspiracy Theories *Canada does not actually exist. *It was made up by communists who brainwashed the world into thinking that there was a country called Canada with weapons they aquired illigaly during WWII without the consent of America while Jesusland was saving the Jeus and all other not normal people from the ultra-liberal and or communist Hitler. *Anyone who says they have been to Canada needs to seek medical attention. The communists at the boarders of northern states have developed specialized weapons to make peopel think that there is something more than the actual foggy nothingness that resides about America. Some rumors have also been contributed to explain the communist squirrels that have slowly been infiltrating America helped by those communists who created the idea of Canada. *Super secret hidden penguin assassin base is hidden somewhere in Canada producing penguin films and shilling animal rights. *The Newfoundland Liberation Army is preparing to invade Alaska to create a new independent homeland for the displaced Newfinese tribes of western Canada. The Vancouver Uprising of 2011 Just like the Arab Spring of 2011, Canada experienced something that can be called a form of uprising. Local customs has it that the citizens of Vancouver hold a peculiar custom. The tradition starts with the Canucks losing the Stanley Cup "The Holy Silver Chalice of Untold Blessings" to any American Hockey Team (no matter how sucky they are). Legend has it that the Holy Chalice has the power to ward off evil spirits for a whole year until the next game, if the Canucks cannot secure the blessings of their Holy Artifact then they must participate in a cleansing ritual of blood to protect their city from evil spirits and secure the protection of their local pagan god to ward off misfortune and bankruptcy. The end of the losing game triggers a mass exodus into the streets, the next step of the ritual demands that fires be brought into the city to illuminate and chase away the darkness, so the Canucks set ablaze their cars to illuminate the streets to allow their god "An-hark-ee" to find his way into the city. Once the Canucks have created a path for their mischievous god they set their sights into breaking glasses and other properties, this is necessary according with their customs. The destructive noises scares away evil spirits and ghosts that would try to impede the coming of "An-hark-ee". These evil spirits are believed to adorn themselves with dark garments with magical runes that read "pol-ice" (perhaps dark spirits of the midwinter season), carrying big sticks to beat the followers into submission. Once the preparations are done with the rituals, it is followed with a mass sacrifice of the Canucks so their blood will bless the ground as his feet cannot touch anything impure. When the streets are turned red, then it must be followed with a group orgy to please the coming god, this act of brutal violence and sex is required to welcome the coming pagan god into the city that has failed to secure the blessed silver chalice (an act that is shameful and dishonorable for Real Canadians). To seek forgiveness from the gods and secure their blessings this brutal act of ritualistic violence is essential to salvage the Canadian spirit and image. Imagine the untold shame and humiliation of losing a hockey game in the eyes of the world! Once the god approves of their bloody ritual he blesses their unworthy city until the next season of Hockey. The bloody ritual is televised around the world as an attempt to under this peculiar Canadian custom. Fureigners and Americans are warned to be cautious when visiting Vancouver during their losing game, you may be accidentally be dragged into their blood ritual. See Also *French-Canadian *Quebec *Montreal Canadiens *Quebecois language *The World According to Palin *Canada's History Do Not Also See * Kanada Footnotes External Tubes *Canadian Sleeper Cells in America *Drugs are Canada's main export *Commie Canadians Wish they had our Health Care System *Canada's Emergency Plan Against Zombies *Canadian Terrorist finally expelled *Canada's Evil Plan to form a Zombie Army *Canadian Doctors going bankrupt *Real Capitalist Americans to liberate Canadians from their oppressive Socialist Medicine Regime!! *Canadian Terrorist Attacks Canadian Government *Foreigners invade Canada *Canada deports terrorist feminazi lady *Canada to set free dangerous killer! *Canada welcomes Indian overlords *Canada emancipates children from Homework. There is still hope! *Canada The New Evil Empire *Canadian Prime Minister assassinated! *Canadian suffers mental meltdown *Canada Wins Polluter Award of the Year *Canada haz Mafia? *Canada takes libural sex to a new level! *Rich Man proves That Canada's Health Care is broken *Canada signs Preemptive Surrender before America's Preemptive Strike *Canadians stealing American jubs! *Canada betrays the Queen!!! *Canada Betrays The Queen.... AGAIN!!! *Why Canada hatez the Queen? *Radio Canada: God Save The Queen *Canada invaded by fish army *Canadian politics are crazy *Canada's frenemy *Fureign whores continue to threat Canada *Canadian Terror Eggs stopped at the border *Canada's clever plan to destroy the Internet *Canada ready to invade American *Illegal Mexicans trying to infiltrate Canada